Tuesday, June 9, 2015
By Ellen Livia - 10:22 AM

That's where I am right now. I wonder what I am gonna feel the next few days when I am not here anymore.

After the farewell party yesterday, i start to realize i am not gonna be here anymore. I won't see the faces that I see everyday.

I have a lot of things to say to all people that i know the whole year. I want to stay keep in touch with them. I want to keep them. There is a time that i will always remember where I am belong to. Home. But i think i found where i am belong, here... 

 I am excited for going back to see all my friends and family back home. But, in the same time i want to stay here longer. I am selfish. Yeah.. If i could trade something for more time here, sure I will. 

Today is the only day I am not doing anything with anybody after the past few weeks. There were two different groups that invite me to do something tonight. But i was so afraid that I could not say yes. I was afraid that I am going to cry all day. 

Today I went to different places in Columbia. I took a bus and just go to a lot of places that I wanted to be. I went to Blandair, Lake Elkhorn, Columbia Lake Front, Patuxent River, the little park at King Contrivance, someone's house and some stores at Snowden River Parkway. I also walked to the bridge that I always visit everytime I miss home. Today I went there because I am going to miss "this" home. 

I was so close that I could just stopped by and say hi. But i was so afraid that I am not gonna be able to do that. So I just left. I left nothing behind. 

I just played piano. Music makes me feel better. My hostmom realize that I didn't talk at all. She suddenly sat next to me and hugged me. I kept playing music and she said it is okay.
But the fact is, it is not okay and i am not ready to leave.
Releasing lantern is just a metaphor. I still have them in my heart. 

I can't pretend that I am okay. 

This is what I feel right now.
Mom asked me what I was playing. I said that was my feelings. There was no piano sheet I looked at, there was no song. That was just what I felt. Randomly playing to cheer me up.

I just gonna take a walk to my bridge.

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