Chasing Your Dream?

Tuesday, September 6, 2016
By Ellen Livia - 11:31 PM

They said,
"Follow your dreams, It brings you happiness"

Yes it does bring me happiness if I were able to reach it. It is a 2 am confession. I have been running away from everything recently, my responsibilities, my family, my hobbies, my friends and those people that I really trust that I usually share my thoughts with.

Freshman year has started, I came to my college classes. Some of them are so interesting, some are not really. I sorta feel that I am not belong here, in this place nor this situation.

I never thought I would end up here as an UI student. No, I am not saying there is something wrong with UI as the college I attend now. It's just there is something wrong with me. I want something different.

Awhile ago -during my 2nd senior year- when I capture about college, I picture my self would study abroad somewhere. I was so happy that I got in into UI too, I mean it's the best university in this country. But since I have a different expectation, I did not really enjoy it at this moment. All these regret suddenly comes up and I want to explode. I have applied to a lot of university abroad, as many as my age is (years), if you know how old I am. Some of them give an answer, a skype interview, a callback for more complete informations about me and of course couple rejection emails. There are couples of college that I did not take because it was not really full scholarship with the financial aid. It was okay. I mean, I was not going to beg to my parent to pay for my living cost abroad. Damn! It cost a lot. Dad might not mind with it, but I am feeling like I should be responsible for my own dream. And Heck yeah, my parents never agree for my choice to study abroad again. And it makes me sad, disapointed, and I still wanna fight for it.

There was this interview that I remember I did not come to. It was a year ago - 2015, I supposed to have a college interview from one of the university I applied but I refused to come because my mama disagree about my choice of studying abroad. I remember we argued before I was about to go to the interview. She asked me why I refused to go to Binus University and reject their 100% scholarship while I was still there trying to apply to lots of college that my mama did not even know where they were. She knew I've been working on my college application during my senior year, couple of Skype interview, some of them in 6 pm or 3 am. She realized I really what I actually want. After everything...

My mama said,
"Yes you have a dream, but you have a family. You could stick to your dream, but family would be the one you lean on for the rest of your life. You have choices to decide if you love us."
Then, She gave me some money in my bank account so that I could apply for a bimbel class , it is like an extra course you could take outside of school to study for the national exam and go to public university in Indonesia.  I had a choice either go to that interview or apply for a bimbel class. I really hate it when my mama being indirect and tell me I had a choice when I did not really have actually. 

Indeed, I cried the whole day on my way to go to the interview. I supposed to go to Sudirman, where I was about to have the interview for the scholarship. But I felt like a mess. I was really nervous, I did not even have an urge to talk. 

I hopped out , and my feets bring me to this coffeshop that I did not remember where it was, I got a good coffee, suddenly I ordered gojek ( a motorcycle taxi) to go to BTA ( the bimbel place). And yeah there you know, I decided that I did not come to the interview. I applied the courses in BTA, and it brings me here. I am accepted in UI.

And it bothered me a lot. I still have the regret within my self. There's another callback for the written test that I got from another college and I did not come for the same reason, It was like 4 months ago. I regret that I didn't take it when actually I could. Couple days ago, my third day of college, I got an email.

Announcement for full scholarship, tuition fee, dorm, accomodation, monthly stypends and a wonderful exciting experience that I would have in Europe.

And I don't know what to do right now.
I am shock for real. 
This is what I want.
What I have been waiting for.
How do I fight for it...
How to convince everyone, my mama and me..

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